Tyra Banks, here I come!

 Dear Tyra, 

   I was so excited when I heard that "America's Next Top Model" Cycle 25 is going to be focused on "cougars." I have been a fan of ANTM since it premiered in 2003, and secretly always wanted to be a contestant. However, I was already 23 at the time, and at 5' 1/2", I did not qualify for being a "fashion model." I understand, the industry has standard expectations. I'm sure it would be hard for photographers to keep lowering their tripods to capture my smaller stature, and all those mini-dresses the models-in-training are wearing would probably sit an inch or two above my knee, which I understand is not the look the designers are going for. It just seems kind of discriminatory to me, and I'm hoping things have improved over the past 16 years.
   When you debuted "America's Next Top Model: Petites" in Cycle 13, in 2009, I got really excited. Every little girl (or grown-up) wants to see role models who look like them on TV. But then I saw you counted "petites" as women up to 5'7". That is NOT petite. The average women's height in America is 5'4"--I checked. If you're allowing a woman who is 5'7" to run in the petites competition, just how tall were those other women? No wonder those mini-dresses are barely covering their asses.
    Also, I've been referring to your previous contestants as "women," but really, they were children. Sure, some of them had graduated from high school and may have done a freshman year of college, but they were children. Living in a house with 13 of them probably would have killed me, even at age 23. I would hate to share a room with 3 other girls, or even worse, a bed. Or bathroom. Or the van ride to photo shoots. Those lofts that the girls lived in looked pretty posh, except there were never enough beds. Was that to save money and/or time rearranging furniture each time someone got kicked off?
   Are there going to be private bedrooms on ANTM: Cougars? You know that grown women are going to expect more grown-up spaces of their own. Maybe you could look into the hotel that they use for "Project Runway." You and Tim Gunn are probably friends, I'm sure he could give you he hotel's number. I would hate living with 13 girls, but with 13 women, for a couple of weeks, that might be fun.  Especially if everyone took care of their own crap and just let you do your own thing and be yourself. That's the point of reality TV, right? But please don't pick too many loud mouths, or drama queens, or primadonnas. No more than one of each, because I can't handle any more than that.
  Speaking of which, let me tell you more about myself and why I would be a great candidate for your show. My name is Carrie Ann, and the way I would brand myself is as "a little bit city, a little bit country." I was born and raised in Baltimore. I don't really have a Baltimore accent, but when I drink whiskey I sometimes get a little bit of a southern twang. I don't hear it, but enough strangers have told me so that I figure it must be true. I would be happy to work with a voice coach to develop more of a southern accent if you think it would increase my chances of getting on the show. Or I could just carry a flask of whiskey around with me.

Watch out, ladies, Carrie Ann is coming for you!

   I read a lot but I still mix up my words quite often, like sometimes I say "lasterday" instead of "yesterday," because I think something happened last week when it really only happened the day before. I also pronounce "antenna" as "antanna," like it rhymes with "Montana." Your producers and your audience are going to find that really cute. I also mix up people's names all the time. I live with three men: my husband and two sons, and I use all of their names interchangeably. I'm sure I would do that with the other contestants' names, which could create some drama because it would sound like I was making things up about people when really I'm just calling someone by the wrong name.
   I definitely don't have the body of a 19-year-old model, but I think I look pretty realistic for a 39-year-old mom that's a cougar. Like, if I was in a room with a bunch of women and you were trying to cast the part of a 39-year-old mom, you would totally point to me and say "yes, her!"

Looks like this mom got a new jean jacket!

    I'm guessing most of the other contestants are going to be moms too. Then again, you kind of got the petites thing wrong, so maybe you're looking for 39-year-old women who have never been married. I mean, sure, they should be eligible as well, but if you give 14 moms a chance to leave their daily hum-drum lives to live the lives of 19-year-old budding models, it's going to be hilarious. And think of these moms making sexy faces at those young male photographers ... it is going to be sexual chemistry perfection.

This one's for you, Nigel Barker!

   Don't worry, I'm not going to be one of those moms that's always talking about her kids. Those women drive me nuts--we finally have a moment without the kids constantly bickering and interrupting, can't we just enjoy it without letting them infiltrate every moment of our lives?? Unless you want me to talk about my kids. I can show their picture to everyone and say, "these are the reason I'm here, I would do anything for them." I feel like I remember some of those teenage models saying something like that about their babies when they were on the show.
   Back to my modeling experience. You know how every season has one of those contestants who is not classically beautiful but then they put all the makeup and fancy clothes on her and she looks like a totally different person? That's me. And I never wear make-up, so nobody knows that. Instead I go around looking like my haggard self. Who has time for makeup? Or money? And why don't men have to cover up their haggardness? No thank you. Unless I have professionals to do it for me. I don't think my friends will even recognize me on the show. But once I'm wearing make-up, I'm really quite versatile. And a little bitchy. That probably would make for good TV too.
   As I've said, I've watched a lot of ANTM, and I've learned a lot from your mentors and judges. I'm know how to smize and be fierce and stomp down the runway. I will make Miss J proud. I think I would do well with editorial shots:

I can be serious, with a hint of smile

or more commercial ones. Just look how great I am at showing off these fingerless gloves:

Making high fashion seem achievable

  I'm really hoping you will give me a shot at my 5 seconds of fame, a couple of weeks away from home (have you picked a location for the grand finale yet? Could it please be Venice???) and some mini-dresses that do cover my ass. Because I look good for 39, but still...
   If I make it onto the show, you won't regret it, and hopefully, I won't either.

Glamour shots at their finest. Thanks, Jess!